Onwards and Eastwards

Things I am excited about:

1. The 10-day weather forecast for Goa
2. The beach resort we're staying at (for free) - check it out at 15°17'35.06"N, 73°54'34.69"E if you have Google Earth (which I just downloaded and am obsessed with)
3. The fabulous Engrish t-shirt from Japan that my sister snuck into my suitcase when I came back to Dubai, which has a picture of a crab on it and says: "THE CRAB PASSED THROUGH A HAND OF GOD. Break on through to the other side."

Things I am not excited about:

1. Spending another night on a plane (that'll be 2 out of the last 3 if you're counting)
2. Flying Air India ... what to do
3. My 3 AM layover in the Bombay airport (chaos + crankiness = dangerous J)

Things I am bemused about:

1. The fact that there were 7 people on my little 20-person commuter flight out of Nashville who were headed to the Gulf: a really sweet older woman whose daughter is an English teacher and undercover missionary in Qatar (haha, it's funny because she really is a missionary - cf. my last post), five crazy ex-military guys who are contractors for KBR in Iraq and were traveling via Dubai, and me. Who knew middle Tennessee had so many khaleeji connections?!

Happy New Year's, I'm back from Goa on the 6th!

Another Day, Another Airport

And so here I am, about to embark upon my fourth 24-hour plane trip of the past month. Ew.

I was actually supposed to be transiting through O'Hare at this very moment, enjoying an interflight layover drink with the venerable LSoch, but blizzards in Chicago have dictated that Nashville-Chicago-Zurich-Dubai be changed to Nashville-DC-Frankfurt-Dubai and hence, I'm chilling at the Nashville "International" Airport waiting for my later flight all by my lonesome.

As a sidenote, the tragic outcome of my itinerary change is that rather than having my transatlantic leg be operated by Swiss (European carrier = free booze!), my transatlantic leg is now operated by United (American carrier = $5/cocktail). Oh, the humanity - I will have to resort to Ambien instead, but that is MUCH less fun than a couple of G&Ts at 35,000 feet.

At any rate. America, my family, and my dog are all fabulous and I had an awesome week-plus at home. It's funny, no matter how happy I am living wherever it is I'm living, it's still always so hard to leave when I come back home... what can I say, roots run deep.

Speaking of roots running deep - in the past 24 hours I got my blond highlights redone, indulged in 2 x 12-minute sessions in THE MATRIX tanning bed, and got gloriously long, perfectly French-manicured fake nails. How Tennessee am I - I might as well buy a Dooney & Burke purse and go tailgate at a Vols game. Ha.

One of the highlights, BTW, of my sejour in the homeland was getting asked where I live when I signed in at my parents' gym as a guest. When I replied "Dubai," the woman at the check-in desk was like "Oh, are you a missionary?!" and I had to sheepishly tell her that no - on a number of levels -I am not a missionary... nor can one really "proselytize" in the Gulf.

And with that, boarding is about to start so let the flying begin! America, I barely knew ye...

It's Time

Last night, while out for a run in the mostly Filipino neighborhood behind my building, I got harassed by a particularly obnoxious car full of Indian guys. Now usually when I'm running outside here, I turn my iPod up loud enough so that I can't hear anything - it's a tradeoff between increasing my risk of getting hit by traffic but decreasing my blood pressure to the extent that I can actually run (because I'm sure if I heard every comment that got hooted at me during your average 5-miler, my head would probably explode about 200 yards out the door).

Anyhow, all this is to say that the jeering and leering doesn't usually bother me because I refuse to let myself be aware of it; but for whatever reason, this car full of guys last night got my attention. So as they're hanging out the windows of their Nissan Sunny yelling things at me in Malayam/Tamil/[insert other incomprehensible South Indian language here], I had to first fight the urge to do what I would do in a part of the world where civil liberties exist, which would be to flip them the bird, obvi. But then - always one to think on my feet! - I quickly enacted the next best gesture I could think of which wouldn't land me in jail, which was an elaborate show of fake vomiting, complete with doubling over (as I ran), fingers down my mouth, and an array of retching/heaving noises.

Now of course as I was doing this, I realized how ridiculous I looked - but what was even more disconcerting was the realization that yes, I've actually been here long enough that I've started to instinctively adapt my obscene gestures such that I cannot be imprisoned for them lest I catch the eye of a roving undercover police officer.

So with that, loyal readers, let me say: it's time for me to get back to America (and for longer than 48 hours, to boot). For as much as I love Dubai, I've also never been quite so convinced that America is the best gosh-darn country in the world, and you know the circumstances must be pretty dire for me to start thinking that.

So after a day of partying (I mean... observing Eid) tomorrow and 3 quick flights (Zurich-DC-Nashville) on Tuesday night, I'll be back across the ponds until 29 December... and not a moment too soon.

Eid Mubarak, Merry Christmas, and see you soon!

Overheard at the Office

"What? No, but he's not Jewish! No, he's not! What? He was? When?! Oh dear... okay, alright. Thank you." [hangs up in defeat]

No no, not a conversation from 1939 Berlin... rather, this is what it sounds like when your admin manager finds out that a colleague has been denied a business visa to Saudi on the grounds of having some sort of vague affiliation with Judaism/Israel. I never did get the full story, but it was a krazy thing to overhear - sort of reminiscent of the time in Krakow when an aggressive tour guide approached Lar and I asking "You go to Auschwitz today?!" and we were weirdly reminded that there was a time when that was, ehrm, more than a tourism pitch.

In other quasi-religious news, if you ever want to experience overwhelming levels of cognitive dissonance, try coming to Dubai and driving to work through the desert, sand dunes all around you and 85 F sunshine blaring in through your windows, whilst listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Bing Crosby Christmas-caroling their way through your iPod holiday playlist. It's F'ed up, dude.

Okay Seriously

I have done some crazy things in my life in terms of long trips/krazy travel/extreme sleeplessness, but I don't think I've ever done anything as hard as staying awake for 2 10-hour days of meetings while adjusting to a 12-hour time difference and recovering from a 24-hour trip. Holy crap. I don't even remember how much Diet Coke I drank, how many times I pinched myself, or how often I tried the old "holding your feet off the ground to stay awake" trick, but all I know is it was a struuuuuuuuggle.

I also have no idea what time it is. That is not actually true. I know it's 9 AM in New York where I am now, 6 AM in LA where I was 8 hours ago, and 6 PM in Dubai where I'll be 14 hours from now - so more appropriately, I have no idea where my timezone allegiance should lie. Probably Dubai, since I'm drinking Veuve in the Emirates lounge at the moment and thus evening seems most appropriate.

There you go, Jessie's Travel Tips: drinking. Drinking and sweatpants, actually, since I have never loved anything more than the $35 sweatpants I bought at LAX after deciding that I could NOT survive another 24 hours with jeans pockets digging incessantly into my butt cheeks, fashion be damned. Oh yeah, and don't do anything that comes remotely close to using your brain. Stay away from that Economist and those free international newspapers in the lounge and fork over $5 for a festive array of Star, US Weekly, and OK! - that's all the mental capacity you should be trying to retain.

At any rate, my meetings in LA were great, as was the huge 6-course team dinner at a fantastic Italian place near the beach in Santa Monica on Friday night, where I think I may have talked half the American company we're partnering with into relo'ing to Dubai. ("No, but the streets are paved with gooooooold!") Also great was drinks with last night Hill at Chateau Marmont - where much to my great chagrin, we did NOT see Lindsay Lohan. (I did see Zach Braff at JFK on the way out to LA - disappointingly nerdy and unattractive in person.)

And with that, I think I'm going to go serve myself up some more Indian food and have a shower before boarding in an hour. Bye-bye America!

Live from Beverly Hills

Just a quick note from LA to say several things:

(a) 24 hours of flight time + 12-hour time difference + meetings starting at 7 AM tomorrow = ouch. Also, I have realized that long-haul flights are the great equalizer: no matter how much more senior some of my colleagues on this trip are within the company, we ALL looked equally cracked-out as we waited, bleary-eyed, in US customs after hopping the pond(s).

(b) There might be something on earth that's closer to heaven than flying business class on Emirates, but I would be hard-pressed to find it (maybe... flying first on Emirates?). During the 14-hour flight from DXB to JFK, I managed to eat 3 entire multiple-course gourmet meals (fresh fruit, pancakes with caramelized apple sauce, pastries... tikka prawn bake, spicy chili beef quesadilla, petits fours... canapes, roast duck, seasonal salad, chicken with zaatar crust, walnut and coffee tart), drink a variety of quality booze (Taittinger champagne, really good Sancerre), completely fry my brain with on-demand video ("License to Wed," "Blades of Glory," 5 episodes of "Heroes," probably a dozen episodes of "Friends"), and enjoy the "massage" function on my flat-bed seat almost continuously. Sigh...

(c) I love America. Let's be honest, I really do. I loved getting told "welcome home" in the US Citizens line at JFK immigration, I loved the Christmas music they were blaring when we got off the plane at LAX, I loved driving past a Target in the LA suburbs on the way to our hotel, I loved that the check-in staff were all honest-to-goodness proficient speakers of the English language. It's the small things, I suppose.

And with that I'm off to bed!

Internal Correspondence

from Crappette
to M, Al, Jojo
date Dec 4, 2007 4:47 PM
subject how I roll

Oh dear. Sorry to be MIA but I have been waiting for a chance to regale you with my 2-hour saga of international intrigue this morning, to be cited in the future if you guys ever think I'm NOT crazy. I have broken it down into bullet points for your convenience - and let me preface with the caveats that (a) NO, I was not drunk, and (b) YES, this really did happen.

Highlights of saga are as follows:

-Trying to take an illegal shortcut to avoid traffic

-Getting my car stuck in sand lot, blocked in by like 40 other cars, because of said shortcut

-Having a panic attack because I couldn't get out and was late for work; almost calling R and speaking to him in tones only dogs can hear in a plea for him to leave work and come help me (R should be thrilled the rest of the story unfolded as it did)

-Getting approached by an old Arab man passing by who offered to help me, got behind the wheel, and succeeded in extricating my car

-Being told by old Arab man that he was "American," rhinestone American flag lapel pin proffered as evidence

-Assuming he meant "American" in the ironic "Ich bin Berliner" kind of way, since he was soooooooooo FOB Arab

-Finding out (with conference program and picture to prove it) that he was not only a US citizen but also (doh!) the former US ambassador to Bahrain; in fact, he was the first-ever Arab-born US ambassador (Lebanese, obvi)

-Giving him a ride across town since he had been so nice helping me get my car unstuck (and, um, since he's a former ambassador)

-Getting really lost trying to get him to where he was going; pursuing a variety of other illegal shortcuts/traffic cuts, including one which actually caused him to grab my thigh (!) in disbelief at my driving

-Listening, during our ample time in my Hyundai, to the highlights of his ambassadorial career

-Discovering that through some kind of bizarre diplomatic connection, he has a close personal relationship with Lee Greenwood, singer of my FAVORITE ever country music song, "Proud to be an American," and that Lee Greenwood apparently performed this song at his house in Bahrain with Bob Hope backing him up on piano, leaving "not a dry eye in the room"

-Singing through the first verse of aforementioned song with him ("If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life / and I had to start again, with just my children and my wife / I'd thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today, 'cause the flag still stands for freedom, and they can't take that awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... / [chorus] And I'm proud to be an American! / where at least I know I'm free / and I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me / and I'd gladly STAND UP next to you and defend her still today / 'cause there ain't no doubt I love this land / God bless the USA!!!!!!!!!!!") [NB. I just typed those lyrics from memory. Respect.]

-Realizing, "Wow, this is my life. Driving through Dubai with the Lebanese-American former ambassador to Bahrain, singing a country song that I used to have to sing every morning of 4th grade in Tennessee, right after the Pledge of Allegiance. Huh."

-Dropping him off, going to work, Googling him, and learning that not only had he run for a Republican Senate seat in Colorado (ew), but that he had been charged with fraud for accepting $7 million from the Kuwaiti government to convince the US administration to enter the first Gulf War in 1990 ( double ew)

And that, my little Sh.I.T.s, is how I roll.

Oh Hai!

First of all, if you don't get the title reference, read this and then get on board. Kthanxbye.

Okay yes so it's been a while. Mostly, I've been insanely busy with work because I got pulled from my normal duties to work on a "hidden project" (oh, mistranslations) - basically sorting out and wrapping up this krazy deal that my company got itself roped into as a result of a well-intentioned but misguided effort to ensure that a certain huge new development goes to Dubai, not Abu Dhabi. (Because that would be haram like you cannot even believe. Srsly.)

Anyhow, it's super interesting work and is basically like doing a business case study if only the case reflected the way that business is actually done here, as opposed to in the rest of the world... I'm learning a ton about contracts and feasibility studies and project management and inter-emirate politics and best of all, I'm off to LA on Thursday to renegotiate the terms of the deal (well, okay, me and like 9 more senior people from my company) so I have NO complaints.

Everything else has been insane as well, what with Thanksgiving festivities last weekend and then all-you-can-eat-and-drink brunch at Al Qasr, Rugby 7s finals, and National Day celebrations this weekend. Tonight I'm off to Abu Dhabi to go as M's date to some Swedish National Symphony concert she has to schmooze at for work, and then I need to start stalking the Indian consulate to give me my visa for Goa, and then on Thursday begins the 24 hours of travel/48 hours in LA/6 hours of travel/14 hours in NY/14 hours of travel odyssey that will be my next "weekend." Yay!