You Know You Really Live in Dubai When...

This list started as a lunchtime conversation at work, and of course I had to polish it up and post it here. Note that everything here is true-to-life and unexaggerated - for better or for worse!

-You have a system of reference for mutual friends which includes designations such as "Basel 1, Basel 2, and Basel 3" and "my Rami, your Rami, and Egyptian Rami" (even though 2/3 of said Ramis are, in fact, Egyptian).

-Your vocabulary expands to include Arabicisms (yallah, khallas, haram alayk), random and slightly outdated British expressions ("I was gobsmacked," "I was gutted"), Hinglish ("what to do"), and South Africanisms (saying "hey?" instead of "what?" when you don't understand someone), all used within 5 minutes of each other and with an audience that includes none of the aforementioned ethnicities/nationalities.

-When you want to buy yogurt at the grocery store, you instinctively head to the Pork Room (For Non-Muslims Only) rather than the dairy section, because all your favorite brands from back home have gelatin in them (pig hooves = haram!) and you've come to accept the logic of Berries 'n' Creme on the shelf next to ham and prosciutto.

-Your average driving speed on your morning commute out to the desert is 160 kmph (punctuated by the occasional slowdown to 120 when passing speed cameras); you feel a little sick when you finally realize that kilometers are real units and this velocity translates to 100 mph.

-You have at least once suffered the "I'm going to Boudoir at Dubai Marine"/"I'm going to Buddha Bar at Dubai Marina" misunderstanding with non-English-speaking cabbies and have ended up at the opposite end of town from the friends you were trying to meet at either place; after sitting in traffic for an hour trying to get back across town, cursing the cruel tides of the global economy and the waves of exclusively Malayalam-speaking cab drivers they bring crashing down upon the Gulf, you give up and go home.

-You have no problem spending AED 800 (USD $215) for a pair of sunglasses, but you staunchly refuse to pay more than AED 3 (USD $0.80) for a shawarma. Trading up/trading down, baby.

-You have an elaborate wusta contingency plan worked out in your head in case you ever get caught doing something illegal/immoral/un-Islamic, and you actually make a mental note when well-connected friends/colleagues brag about how they have a "get out of jail free" card with x ministry or y department.

-You've forgotten that there are places in the world where people think Israel is a real country, and when you read the New York Times online you find it jarring that articles about Palestinians don't start with the byline "Occupied Jerusalem."

-You know to check all your favorite celebrity gossip blogs before you leave your office (which is in a freezone) since you know they'll all come up as "counter to the political, moral, or religious values of the United Arab Emirates" at your house (which is not in a freezone).

-When someone drives up behind you in the fast lane and flashes their brights, your check their license plate number in your rear-view mirror before deciding whether or not to move over.

-You start regularly using phrases like "please do the needful" (do what's required), "thanks God" (thank God), and "I'm thinking loudly" (I'm thinking out loud), forgetting that they're not actually expressions used by native English speakers.

Sad but true!